Little lightbulb moments, and their reflections…

I’m currently working through a few interconnected things at once, as you do, as part of an unplanned, health-prompted self-exploratoration. Anyway, one of those coincidental things is listening to Jenny Lucas (aka AuDHDistically Me)’s book, “Autism, ADHD and Me” on Audible. I’ve just got to the bit about relationships, and in particular, the workplace.

Here’s the mini lightbulb moment: 20 years ago, I had a good career starting to unfold – with massive masking no doubt, but also a huge sense of pride and a lot of things that I now know ticked my AuDHD boxes. We were based in a quirky old building in little interconnected teams, and then 2 and a half years in, everything changed. We had to relocate to a new, bigger, open-plan office and I fell apart.

I knew some of it was to do with the environment but couldn’t put my finger on it, other than my ######## of a boss being able to ping paperclips at me as he now sat near me rather than in his own office. The sensory overwhelm though… I knew it, on some innate level I knew it, but didn’t have the words.

Autism, let alone AuDHD wasn’t even on my radar. I had been misdiagnosed as being bipolar, and then signed off with stress. But I couldn’t see how I could go back to that environment, and thinking I’d got a different kind of burnout, and needed a Big Change, I resigned. I walked away from the most prestigious and satisfying job I’d ever had at that moment in my life, and now know, so much of what I went through was due to moving to that open-plan office. If I’d have known then, 20 years ago, what I know now, I’d have asked for reasonable accommodations, for a quiet space, and been able to stand up for what I felt were my own sudden inadequacies.

I’m not grieving that time as such, as a lot of other opportunities were had along the way and life is messy and non-linear, especially for us ND folk. But, that realisation, that little lightbulb made me almost laugh out loud. Of course it was the move, of course it was the open-plan environment that literally sent me crazy. And you know what? Even if I had known all this 20 years ago, my employers wouldn’t. They wouldn’t have got it. So I’m grateful to be here, in this time and space where awareness and attempts at understanding are growing. The language is there at least on a surface level and I think sometimes we beat ourselves up at not having recognised our neurodivergence earlier, and other people not seeing it, but it just wasn’t seen and understood in the way it is now. So I’m glad to be here, and I’m glad to have finally realised a big part of why that me of 20 years had to walk away from that job.

Funny how life goes sometimes, isn’t it?

Glossary for those unfamiliar with the terminology:

• AuDHD = increasingly common but non-medical term for people jointly diagnosed or recognising themselves as autistic and as having ADHD
• ND = neurodivergent

For an explanation of any other unfamiliar terms, or queries, however small, please feel free to comment and ask 🙏